Archive for the ‘Ask Bev’ Category

Dear Bev, my husband is really struggling and I want him to do your workshop but he keeps resisting. What can I do to get him to seek help?

                                                                                          Sue

Dear Sue,

                  no matter how difficult it may seem, you need to step back and let him decide that his own wellbeing is important to him to take this step. When we step in for someone else, we invest in their lack, not in their empowerment. If this happens often, the person comes to rely on others bailing them out and, in doing so, finds there are certain benefits in staying stuck.

                    It is vitally important that the person who needs help is actually seeking it and is not just waiting to be rescued. The best approach is to clarify for yourself your own options if this does not change. If you want to help your husband, ask himwhat he wants to happen next and whether he would like you to help. If not, then you can only choose what works best for you.You can’t do a thing abut changing another but you do need to attend to yourself. Dragging someone into recovery simply does not work but you can hold out an example of wellbeing to another that they may want to reach for in themselves.

A question often asked…do I do one to one counselling?  The answer is  no and for this reason. I have done one to one in the past and the hitch that I find with this is that there is a tendency for people to get stuck on the ‘story’ and to focus on the problem, rather than actively seeking the solution.

I have found that the workshop approach (both live and through the IT Kit’ ) is far more effective and speedier for those who are really willing to reclaim their lives and move on.

It may seem remarkable but not everyone is willing to do that.Some still hold a notion that a counsellor holds a special key that will unlock recoveryor that the source of healing lies outside of oneself and that it is a matter of ‘finding it’. The truth is, recovery does not come to those seeking it. Instead, they must start actively moving towards recovery in order to claim it. Going over and over old pain doesn’t really move things forward in the same way that making different choices and  taking back the steering wheel of one’s own life does.

My work is and always has been about empowering people to take responsibility for where they find themselves and where they take things from here. It is about putting the client back in the driver’s seat.

Not everyone is ready for that,and that’s fine but if somneone is ready and willing, there is no reason why they cannot steadily move towards recovery under their own terms.It’s wonderful to see people move from a sense of helplessness to a greater sense of direction and focus. I notice that throughut the process, these people start to look different…they sit up straighter, they start to smile, they are listening more keenly. Now that’s what we want to see ! Read the rest of this entry »

Each month, Bev will choose a reader’s question on anxiety or depression to answer which will provide valuable information for others.  If you would like to submit a question for this section, please use the contact form.

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